Katerinabell

It’s been a week. Ever have an incredibly long week that felt like 4 extra days were somehow crammed in? It has been a week, and that’s how long it has taken for it to hit me. I could’ve sworn more time had past, at least a month. But no, it’s been a week without you. Without you. I’ve recoiled into my little world. Even though it was my choice to end things, the lack of you in my life is hitting me. My emotions are reacting to the withdrawals which are felt each night. I took a chance on you and I thought I made the right choice, I thought I made a smart decision, and now I feel so uncertain. But I’ve just ignored it, ignored how I feel; The wave of pain is pushed aside. I tell myself to think of other things, I tell myself to focus on my book, or my paper, or the dishes, or what things I need to get done. But it’s not the same. I no longer have anyone to share with. So I’m back in my world, where else am I to go? In the arms, heart and mind of another? No, I can’t, I don’t want to. But I’ve gotten the message, I’ve backed off and left things to fate. But even though I’ve accepted and I stop myself from analyzing it, that doesn’t stop the wave of pain, the tightening of my throat; nothing can.

Tonight I tortured myself by reading our old emails with tears in my eyes, going over them, remembering every detail of when I was writing those messages. Remembering my smile, my laugh, my joy which are buried in between those lines. I looked at old pictures, remembering the reason why I sent them, or why you sent them to me. Briefly resting in the past, in those moments, but keeping it brief; Living in the past is too dangerous. I tried to look away, think of something else, but tonight was different. The shadows stuck by my side, bringing with them watery memories, special moments we shared. For a moment I wanted to be reminded of the joy I felt, but all that was there was the pulling of my heart through my throat. Feeling nothing but the sharp hit of reality. I tell myself  ’It’s done, don’t think about it.’ All I can do is focus on something else, anything else. Avoiding the feeling of failure, the break up, the pain. Avoiding the ending, what is now lost. Avoiding my now uncertain future, my loneliness.

So I recede. I stay to myself, live in my world, keep a brave face until night. But even then I’ve spent the day being busy to the point of being tired enough to fall asleep in a matter of minutes. However there’s no protection from my dreams. You appear, and everything is so clear. Clear enough for me to believe in those few moments of being awaken, that you’re there. That I’m still yours and you’re still mine and we’re still happy. We don’t always get what we want. What we deserve and what we end up with don’t necessarily cross paths. Fine, I’ll accept my frozen heart and remind myself the hard truth that we don’t all get a happy ending.

Yesterday on a complete whim, I decided to go to a Global Vision conference. I’d never heard of them, and even on my way to the event I had forgotten the name of the organization. Silly, right? It’s probably one of the easiest names out there. However, from the moment I arrived, I entered an engaging and challenging environment. We began with a ‘global challenge’, where each table was given a county to represent and we had a few minutes to prepare a presentation to introduce the country as if we were at a meeting with other global leaders. We were expected to think quickly and bring our A-game with only a few minutes, a bit of scrap paper and several exchanged whispers as our preparation.

The event lasted all day, and included speakers from different companies and organizations. They gave tons of great advice and direction on where to get more information and how to go about entering the global stage. Right from the beginning it was obvious that being part of Global Vision would open up so many opportunities, however it was also clear that it wouldn’t be easy. Being a global leader requires passion, drive, and hard work, but most importantly (and what I think most people overlook) knowing who you are and what you’re after. You require confidence in your abilities. It takes a lot of guts and gumption to be a global leader. Yet not once did I feel discouraged even if I wasn’t entirely sure what I was supposed to do in one of our challenges. The people there, the volunteering graduates, the speakers and even the founder and President, Terry Clifford, were really nice and encouraging and had a way of bringing out our competitiveness. I never felt like they didn’t think we could do it.

I haven’t shared with many people the secret hope I’ve always carried in the back of my head, that on day I’ll be a word leader. I’ve always wondered if I’d be able to take on such a demanding role. Would I be able to give my best every time? Could I actually make a difference? Would I be able to handle if I failed? One of my professors at university always tells us that doubt is dangerous and if we doubt ourselves then it’s easy for the other to break us down. If you doubt, you’re finished. I’ve always carried a considerable amount of doubt which has definitely held me back. But after so much time of living in doubt, there was bound to be a moment that would bring out my confidence. I don’t believe that confidence can ever be killed, it is something that regenerates. Yesterday there was no such feeling of doubt, or thoughts like ‘I can’t do this, it’s too hard’. I felt confident and engaged, but most importantly empowered. Empowered. All this time I was thinking that I just needed to be inspired, but no. I needed to be empowered. That is such an important and powerful feeling. And I think it’s better than just ‘inspiration’ because it’s more than just potential. It takes that initial spark, inspiration, and carries it over into strength. And when we are acting out of our strength, whether it’s political, social, spiritual or educational, it becomes a passion. It is a beautiful sight when someone is empowered. You can see it in their eyes, that hunger, and it shrines right through and it branches out into everything that they do. It is demanding, it is a force that keeps us moving; It has a presence.

I’ve always wanted to make a difference but never knew how to go about it and I definitely wouldn’t even know how to break into the market. Yesterday at the conference was the first time I felt like I had some direction on how to follow my dream of being a global leader.

I’m so grateful that I listened to my intuition and went to the conference. It was an inspiring day and right now I feel like I could reach as high as the moon if I applied myself. And even taking that one step further, I intend to.

If you’d like more information about the organization, their programs or even to check and see if they’ll be hosting a conference in your city, you can visit their website  http://www.globalvision.ca/

YAY!! This is my 90th post Thanks to all those who have been following me over the last few years

In my title I put the month and year that the massacre took place, yet I don’t even think it’s necessary since it was an event of such measures that it stands alone in Norwegian history.

Anyhow, on November 15th I attended a lecture at my university about the Oslo massacre which took place this summer. This lecture was delivered by a famous criminologist, Nils Christie, who for those who don’t know is Norwegian. He is a professor at the University of Oslo, he’s known world wide and is still actively influential within the realms of sociology and criminology. He has written several books and  articles and travels around the world delivering lectures to professors and students at various universities. I had never heard of him before this lecture, yet after doing a bit of research and listening to what he had to say, I instantly developed respect for this man and appreciated what he had to say and how he delivered it. He was knowledgeable, he didn’t hesitate to add personal stories and not to mention he has a pretty cool accent. It does not take long to realise that this man is pure boss. In this entry, I’m going to retell what he had to say, because it wasn’t at all what I was expecting.

He was in Oslo when the attack occurred and couldn’t believe what was happening, since Norway is such a peaceful country with few major conflicts, especially violent conflict or confrontation. At first it was believed that it must’ve been a terrorist attack from a foreign country. But soon enough it was revealed that it was actually an old-fashion extremely right-winged Norwegian. Christie explained to us that he felt a sense of political relief because if it had been a terrorist from a foreign country, then it would open up Norway and leave it vulnerable for political and ethnic conflict among the immigrants/minorities within the country. The building which Anders Behring Breivik (the attacker) bombed was a political building which had the Prime Minister’s office on the top floor. There was a second wave of relief when it was made known that the PM, Jens Stoltenberg, was not harmed, and very much alive. His immediate message to the public was the remain calm, to preserve the Norwegian way of life. He did not spark fear or give them a reason to be on defense; he was more concerned with everyone remaining steady. Maybe a couple days after the attack, everyone gathered along with the Prime Minister at the site of the event with roses in their hands which were laid in piles on the ground as a symbol of  choosing love instead of hate in the face of destruction and adversity. Christie expressed how proud he felt in that moment standing there with that rose in his hand, surrounded by fellow Norwegians who were all making the same choice. The PM reinforced the message, by saying that we should meet hatred with love, because if one person can create so much pain and destruction with hate in his heart, than think of how much you can accomplish collectively with love. The piles of roses weren’t moved, and remained there until long after they wilted because they wanted to keep the message of love alive in the following weeks after the massacre. When a crime so heinous occurs, what do you do? How do you respond to it? And if the culprit is caught, how are they to be punished and how are they to repay their debt to society?

Norway, along with the other Scandinavian countries, don’t have much of a problem with violent conflict. Their prison populations are very low, and they don’t even have a life long sentence. The longest anyone could potentially stay in prison is 21 years. The only exception to this is if the person is considered dangerous to the rest of society, then they are to kept longer, but under a medical diagnosis.  There was much pressure put on Norway to take stern measures in light of the event, to change policy to now incorporate what had happened, since now it was possible when once believed to be impossible. Christie also explained to us the history of the island of Utoya and its significance, and how opening fire on innocent people on that island was comparable to going into a cathedral and killing someone. It was very symbolic and it was clear what sort of message Breivik was trying to send: Norway was no longer sacred. Breivik’s attack was directed towards the system that allowed immigrants and refugees to enter Norway’s borders. He believed Norway was being polluted and decided to take such extreme actions against it. He showed no remorse, and to this day still believes what he did was right.

Norwegians don’t hesitate to criticize the system they live under, yet at the same time are fond of it. No system is perfect, but it works for them which is obvious since it has been able to maintain such harmony for so many decades. They value preservation of the system, which is common among small welfare states. It was a place where few feel any kind of threat. It’s very trusting of its neighbours and fellow citizens and have low murder rates. There’s a tradition of talks and dialogue of politics; they aren’t a society to express criticism through violent measures. So Breivik acted out of the Norwegian standard, he acted out of the ordinary. However, he will only get 21 years, even though he is the first to commit such a crime in Norway.

So then what is justice based on? What is punishment?  Punishment, as I’m sure you know, is having people experience some form of suffering as a consequence to their actions of disobedience. Generally, punishment is decided based on a comparison of cases. However what do you do when it’s unheard of? How do you pay back? You can’t. An example Christie gave was in World War II with the Holocaust. How do you push those who killed millions? Is the hanging of one commander equivalent the thousands of people who died under  their command? Doesn’t that just degrade the victims? But what do you do? He can never retribute, but he could always be turned away and kicked out in shamed. The fact is that there isn’t a balance and there never will be between the destruction caused by that one person, and the payback; some things can not be done. However, what about embracing forgiveness, grace and honour?  Christie says such a crime  can only be accepted and try not to let it effect or change us.

Christie went on to talk about crime and violence. He says that a system should be created such that you see the other as a person, you see them beyond their actions. The more we see the other, the more we will treat the other properly. Seeing the other is essential to being human. We have the ability to humanize those whom we under certain conditions don’t initially see as human. So there was this constant theme of unity, in all that the society does, even in grief as the Norwegians did. But then there’s the question of seeing the killer as human. It is more difficult to handle him as something outside of being human, however he sees himself as outside of human. He believes he is extraordinary. Breivik was obsessed with achieving his idea of the perfect human. He worked out, he even went as far as to get plastic surgery in order to ‘perfect’ himself. Breivik was an extraordinarily lonely person; he chose to stay isolated from society. Christie went on to say how he does not like the expression ‘he’s a monster’. He said it’s a strong and damaging word. The more we make him a ‘monster’, the less we can understand the reasons and roots behind this event; the further we ostracize him. There are two pillars of progression — the need for advancement, and the need for accomplishments. These pillars construct distance. If we loose track of each other, we loose track in our own insights, we loose knowledge in the place where we live. Wealth is a dividing factor, and there is a connection between crime and the division of wealth among a given population. These are the consequences of distancing ourselves. The Norwegian way of life is valued, and the people desire to preserve it as is. They don’t want a police state, they want to remain peaceful, and that is even extended to prisoners.  So Christie concluded by saying that we should make him ordinary. Why should he be raised? How do we cope with such people? Treat them according to the laws that are in place. When he is released after serving his ordinary 21 years, the proper authorities and standard measures shall be taken to find a place for him to live, and then to let the system go on. If we deviate from ordinary than he has won.

I was fascinated by Christie’s message. In the Western world the accepted attitude in the face of a horrendous crime is to hang ‘em high. We’ve all heard the message of loving one another, even our enemies. But how many people actually believe that? How many people actually do that? The message is out there, and is also a very Christian concept which was preached by Jesus, but even Christians don’t follow it, especially when something so horrible has happened. It’s considered out of the ordinary and thus requires a punishment to match it, a punishment of a similar severity. The criminal is dehumanized and any human quality or need is completely stripped. His message of love in the face of adversity really made me think about our society and wonder why aren’t we comfortable with trusting the system, of accepting what happened and changing our attitudes towards it, meaning not letting it affect us. Is that giving the criminal too much power and control by making us change our attitude so that we’re not so deeply affected? Christie’s message very much reminded me of one of my favourite quotes, said by Martin Luther King Jr: “Darkness cannot drive our darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that’.

One morning I happen to be awake at 6am (don’t ask, because I don’t have an answer for why I was awake) and I came across Rick Mercer’s rant on the Globe and Mail website, which is on Youtube, by the way. The clip was a reaction to the suicide of Jamie Hubley who was 15, gay and bullied relentlessly. (Go to the link at the bottom to hear what he has to say, since it’ll be better than me trying to paraphrase it) Anyhow, I thought the article wasn’t fair to Mercer. The writer says that Rick Mercer is pro outing successful gays and is saying that anyone who doesn’t come out is a coward.

I don’t think the point of Mercer’s rant is not to out gay adults, because it’s not only their responsibility to help gay teens, it’s everyone’s responsibility, and Mercer even says that. The point is that our world has changed. When I was young and being bullied, I hated my life, but I never thought to kill myself, I never even considered it. And I think it’s because I was only bullied at school. After school I could run home, cry and be away from everyone. Now our lives are deeply laced with social media. Kids are now being bullied online through emails, Facebook, Twitter and I’m sure some people have gone as far as to post hateful vlog messages on Youtube or their blog for the world to see. This allows for complete strangers to hate on you. You have no escape unless you shut yourself off from the world. And isolation is dangerous when you’re young, confused and filled with doubt.

Mercer is right – saying ‘things will get better’ is no longer enough. And unfortunately since a lot of the bullying is happening outside of school, the Principals and teachers may feel powerless to punish whomever was responsible. The dream of everything getting better now requires proof, something for these kids to look up to. Someone for them to relate to and actually see that those who’ve been through the same ordeal have been able to overcome. We are no longer a culture of dreams and imagination; we’re a culture of concrete proof, of things that we can see and touch or else we don’t believe it.

It is anything but easy to come out, and on many occasions I have comforted a friend of mine when he was afraid to come out to his family; I’ve wiped the tears of his pain from his eyes. No one can deny how much damage secrets cause  to oneself. But courage is what we need at a time like this when attitudes towards gays is still in the process of being changed. There needs to be more people who stand up and speak out for the greater good, but also so that they no longer have to chained by the secrets of their lives.

Here’s the link to the article, which also has Rick Mercer’s rant:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/editorials/no-rick-mercer-not-all-gay-public-figures-need-to-step-forward/article2216358/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=Referrer%3A+Social+Network+%2F+Media&utm_content=2216358&utm_campaign=Shared+Web+Article+Links

Maybe it’s from all those years of watching Oprah.

Maybe its all those stories of unmatched female courage.

Maybe its from the very few but incredibly strong female role models the world knows of. Or even a lack of one in your own life.

Maybe its all those hours spent alone sorting out your thoughts, the endless battle between the positive and negative things you’re deciding to believe about yourself.

Maybe its all the tears over broken hearts, bad friendships, missed opportunities and falling on your face over and over.

Or maybe it’s as simple as that little truth that hides in all of us, patiently waiting for its time.

This whole time you’ve been enough. Marked down as a fact, and now it’s the time to focus on other things. You’ve got your basis, you no longer doubt, so you can just live.