It’s been a week. Ever have an incredibly long week that felt like 4 extra days were somehow crammed in? It has been a week, and that’s how long it has taken for it to hit me. I could’ve sworn more time had past, at least a month. But no, it’s been a week without you. Without you. I’ve recoiled into my little world. Even though it was my choice to end things, the lack of you in my life is hitting me. My emotions are reacting to the withdrawals which are felt each night. I took a chance on you and I thought I made the right choice, I thought I made a smart decision, and now I feel so uncertain. But I’ve just ignored it, ignored how I feel; The wave of pain is pushed aside. I tell myself to think of other things, I tell myself to focus on my book, or my paper, or the dishes, or what things I need to get done. But it’s not the same. I no longer have anyone to share with. So I’m back in my world, where else am I to go? In the arms, heart and mind of another? No, I can’t, I don’t want to. But I’ve gotten the message, I’ve backed off and left things to fate. But even though I’ve accepted and I stop myself from analyzing it, that doesn’t stop the wave of pain, the tightening of my throat; nothing can.
Tonight I tortured myself by reading our old emails with tears in my eyes, going over them, remembering every detail of when I was writing those messages. Remembering my smile, my laugh, my joy which are buried in between those lines. I looked at old pictures, remembering the reason why I sent them, or why you sent them to me. Briefly resting in the past, in those moments, but keeping it brief; Living in the past is too dangerous. I tried to look away, think of something else, but tonight was different. The shadows stuck by my side, bringing with them watery memories, special moments we shared. For a moment I wanted to be reminded of the joy I felt, but all that was there was the pulling of my heart through my throat. Feeling nothing but the sharp hit of reality. I tell myself ’It’s done, don’t think about it.’ All I can do is focus on something else, anything else. Avoiding the feeling of failure, the break up, the pain. Avoiding the ending, what is now lost. Avoiding my now uncertain future, my loneliness.
So I recede. I stay to myself, live in my world, keep a brave face until night. But even then I’ve spent the day being busy to the point of being tired enough to fall asleep in a matter of minutes. However there’s no protection from my dreams. You appear, and everything is so clear. Clear enough for me to believe in those few moments of being awaken, that you’re there. That I’m still yours and you’re still mine and we’re still happy. We don’t always get what we want. What we deserve and what we end up with don’t necessarily cross paths. Fine, I’ll accept my frozen heart and remind myself the hard truth that we don’t all get a happy ending.
