Reality sucks…time to step into a world of imagination

So far this summer I’ve been very low key, keeping off of people’s radar, mostly intentionally. Its been a hard year, filled with plenty of drama, tears, and pain. This has been one of my hardest years so far. To be honest, I want to just spend the rest of my summer living in some good books and living in my writing. There isn’t much going on in my life right now. I mean, for a while I thought things were picking up with this guy I’ve been crushing on, but over the past 2 weeks I can’t seem to get his attention, no idea why, and I’m not going to keep trying because I don’t want to look desperate. I mean, my real life seems to lacking any activity — school’s out for the summer, my friends are in another city and there doesn’t seem to be  a guy out there showing much interest in me. So, why not create a world of my own, where I can control what happens, instead of feeling helpless? I mean, I think it can be a fun project, seeing how I’ve always started writing and than given up. I’ve put too much pressure, and this is just for kicks and so that I can live vicariously through another median. Just have to remember not to get lost in it.

Oh! And I’m starting to read “The Princes of Ireland” by Edward Rutherfurd. I want to write about it as I read each section, so if you’d like to read along (assuming there’s anyone following my blog), then feel free to do so. I’d like to some day start a book club, because I don’t think enough people read and I also love discussing books, but can’t these days since no one really read anymore, as previously mentioned.

 

Judgement.

Passing judgement, we’re all guilty of it. Do we have any right to judge others? No, we don’t, because we ourselves are anything but innocent. We’ve all hurt someone in one way or another, we’ve all hurt ourselves, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of and so we’re not innocent in the least. Our guilt is our own, and I feel that we don’t like when others pass judgement because it mirrors what we feel towards ourselves, what we would say to ourselves if we weren’t too busy trying to ignore the guilt we carry with us. I don’t ever mean to judge anyone, but I do from time to time. I don’t do it as a form of revenge against those who have judged me, I guess it’s because I think they’re better than whatever they have done. Or, I see them following a path that I’ve taken and am all to familiar with, and say something about it as a type of warning. However, whatever your reason for judging someone, it doesn’t make it right. Any judgement I’ve passed, doesn’t make it right and I apologize for judging.

We are our toughest critic, and I think our own judgement of ourselves is harsh enough, and we don’t need to have it laid into us more than what we’ve done to ourselves.

 

Question..

Why is it so bloody difficult to find someone who truly and genuinely cares about you?

 

*Sigh*

So I’m couch bound…Wisdom teeth were taken out of my mouth on Friday so I’m still recovering. I’ve really been missing my life in Ottawa. I think I’m getting a bit of a summer blues. On the bright side I only have just over 3 more months until I can return to Ottawa, and I’ll be working soon, so time will go by faster. It’s just when I’m in Toronto, I feel isolated since my life is now in Ottawa, this isn’t really my home anymore. All my friends, my whole life is now in another city, and so I’m really missing it. *sigh*

 

Trust in you?

What does it take to trust someone you have strong feelings for?

I was talking to a friend of mine on MSN today, and she was telling me how her boyfriend had lied to her once. It wasn’t anything too huge but it upset her,  and hurt her. For the sake privacy, I’m not going to say what he lied about, but it had to do with another girl. He didn’t cheat, but his lie involved a girl.

And now she’s having issues knowing if she can trust him again. She was telling me that she has a hard time being apart from him, because she’s terrified that this whole incident will only encourage him to be more careful in order to get away with whatever stupid crap he plans on doing. See that’s what always gets me whenever I’ve felt suspicious. I’m obviously not with them 24/7 and I don’t want to be. But in that time, he could be cheating in some way. I mean, there are plenty of men who love their wives and girlfriends, but cheat, give into temptation because someone will always cheat with them, and because they’ve found a way to get away with it…However, I’d like to not think like that, that someone who is committed would honestly try and plot a way to get away with cheating. Why not be single? Why be in a relationship if what you want is ‘freedom’?

By the way, on a side note that is kind of related to what I was talking about a moment again, what is this whole idea with men, and being in a committed relationship means you’ve lost your ‘freedom’? So not sleeping with tons of women means you’re caged? What about building a life with someone who you love? Who you have not only a physical attraction, but spiritual, emotional connections, and together you can decide which direction you will go together? Knowing that someone loves you and cares about you is being caged? Having someone there who makes you happy is being caged? If you’re in a relationship with the right person, then it’s anything but being caged. If who you’re with respects that you still have an identity, then you have the means and ability to be independent..just independent doesn’t include having sex and flirting with whomever you like, because then you’re not respecting the relationship or her.

Ok back on topic. Now, if a friend were to lie to you, and you forgave them, you wouldn’t be panicked or worried about them doing it again, about them doing something worse…So what makes a boyfriend any different? Friendship break ups are just as messy and painful as boyfriend/girlfriend break ups. So what is the distinction? Why is it so much worse for your boyfriend/girlfriend to lie to you, then for your best friend? Why does it hurt more? Is it purely because you have intimate feelings for them?

Oh, the heart is so complicated. I think I’ll write an after thought on this, seeing how it’s late and I want to think about this more.