I think of my favourite things in this world is when people surprise you, when they pull through even when you have a suspicion that they might let you down. I’ve always been an optimistic person, and I’ve done my best to believe in the greater good of people. Yet, even with that, said, I’ve been so disappointed in a lot of people, and how they’ve been able to so carelessly, and so easily let me down, as if it was nothing. Like, I was nothing. So yes, I have trust issues, and I hate feeling vulnerable and avoid it at all cost because it’s easier for me that way. That way, if my relation with that person gets messed up, then I’m not left like some helpless person just taking the beating, but I got to have a say in how it ended.
Now, in a relationship, an intimate relationship, it gets a bit trickier, since feelings run deeper and they become intertwined with another person’s emotions. It makes me feel all the more vulnerable, since I have so much more invested in this. I’ve taking more time to nurture the relationship, but also to make sure that I don’t lose myself in the relationship. That’s one thing that most women do, is that they begin to lose themselves and then months or years later, they have no idea who they are anymore, their whole life becomes about that person. I don’t want that, I don’t want to lose myself, so I make sure to make time for me so that I can keep my identity.
So, pretty much, I’ve done my best to not repeat mistakes I’ve made in past relationships since sometimes I can go overboard when trying to avoid being vulnerable. So why is this relevant and what does it have to do with people surprising you?
Well, I’mma tell ya.
These past few weeks, I’ve been feeling uneasy, just having a feeling that something was off, so I asked him about it, very calmly and in a non accusatory way, and he told me what was bothering me. And so from what I gathered was that he was scared and so he was pulling away from me, which was making me worry, because I don’t want him to pull away. So we talked today on the phone, and so I was like, screw it, I’m just going to bare it all. So I did, I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable, tell him everything I was feeling and telling him just how much he meant to me, and how much I appreciated him and what he does for me, and how he makes me very happy. The whole time I was talking, I was holding tears back because I realise just how vulnerable a position I was putting myself in. I’ve sorta done that before, telling those things to him, but I don’t know if I’ve said it enough. I’ve always wanted to wait for the guy to do that, but in all honesty, that’s what they do in movies and books and so you think that if you’re important enough to them, then they’ll do that for you too. But let’s face it, most guys aren’t big on spilling out their emotions. So as much as I’ve love the big romantic gesture that I see in the movies, I don’t expect it and thus try to keep it in the fantasy world, and try to bring my head out of the clouds and just wait for the standard guy ways of showing they care.
So today I’ve been waiting. Well, that’s not all I’ve been doing. I got my wisdom teeth out so I’ve been sleeping, being in pain, eating mashed foods and icing my face. But part of me has been waiting, waiting for him to reach back, even in the slightest. Waiting to see if I’ve done enough to let him know that he needs to reach back to me, I need him to reach back to me. I need him to trust me, and have faith in us and not to pull away, to ignore that instinct that tells us all to pull back so that we don’t get hurt. Because in reality, pulling back is hurtful, and it’s actually the opposite of what needs to happen when you feel scared. I need him to trust me to support him when he’s scared or worried or anxious. I’m here for him and I need him to have faith in me. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a whole lot of crazy sometimes, and that I can be a handful when I get like that. So it takes a lot to scare me away and it takes a lot for me to feel like I can’t do anymore or that I can’t try anything else. So I waited to see if what I said worked. And today he reached out in the smallest way, I don’t even think he noticed how significant it was. So I’m so proud of him for reaching back to me even in the slightest, and I really hope that he continues to do that and that it only gets stronger and easier for him to reach out to me even when he’s scared. I don’t give up that easily and I hate when people give up too easily.
So I’ve rambled quite a bit, but I really needed to. I needed to talk about my vulnerability because it’s there and I can be vulnerable and at times I need to be vulnerable. And as much as I hate the knots I get in my stomach when I’m put in a vulnerable state, and how when I worry or get anxious I have to pee every 5 minutes, I still can do it. I can be vulnerable and survive and it can help make things better. Trust goes both ways. I need him to trust me, and he needs me to trust him back. So I need to be vulnerable, and I really hope he appreciates how difficult this is for me, and allows himself to be vulnerable for me too, even if its difficult for him. But I feel it’s worth it, because in the end, he makes me happy. He makes me happy, so it’s worth it.
