My New Thing — Meditation

Last night was the first time I tried meditation. I’d been looking into it for a while, looking up peoples responses as well as the different types of meditation… I do research on things that I’m unsure about. I don’t know why I felt so nervous about it. I guess I was worried of where my mind would go.

Anyhow, so yesterday I finally did it, just a simple breathing meditation. That’s where you sit down, close your eyes and focus on your breathing for like 10-15 minutes. At first, as the articles told me, I noticed how busy my mind was and it was hard to keep it focused and deny the temptation to follow the busy thoughts in my head. But finally I did, and I was amazed and surprised at my response. Tears started escaping my eyes, running down my face. I didn’t move to wipe the away, I didn’t even try to tell myself to stop crying or to try and figure out why I was crying in the first place. I just let them be, let them fall down my face as I concentrated on my breathing.

I feel like our lives are like our minds, so busy and never taking a proper moment for ourselves to reconnect and check in with ourselves and our emotions. I also think we don’t properly de-stress. And I don’t mean by watching a few episodes of a TV show and giving into a distraction from what is truly bothering us. I feel like that’s a band aid fix. I’m talking about getting right down to the basics and relaxing your mind, body and soul by letting go of our stresses. Those tears where me letting go of some of my stress and my pain, which I had been harbouring. A lot of tension left my body, my heart and my mind. I felt like I had centered my mind and I honestly feel more relaxed.

Here’s some meditation music that I like. Take some true time for yourself. Put your phone on silent, close Facebook and just sit with your back straight in a chair (or on your bed, which is what I did), or, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Stop when the music stops.

 

First One Back

Mumford & Sons is by far one of my most favoured bands of all time. Their lyrics are so powerful and strong, that they are able to draw tears from my eyes. Their words are laced with raw sincerity and truth that allows their words to be bold enough to command your attention.

And it will steal your innocence/but it will not steal your substance

Listening to Timshel has forced me to write. It drew out the honest words and feelings that I’d been ignoring for quite some time now. When I feel alone, scared, hopeless…being back into such a frightful corner makes me want to run from the tangles and out of the grasps of such restraints. I find it very scary to face such feelings, most of which are lingering emotions from my PTSD, that are strong enough to drag me down to where I had once been. It looms over me from time to time, and I feel the need to hide and avoid because it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting and draining to deal with my PTSD. Sometimes I absolutely hate how it’s a continual thing that seems to never go away, except on temporary basis. I just want to break free of it..

But you are not alone in this/and you are not alone in this/ as brothers we will stand and we’ll hold your hand/hold your hand

I often lose sight of all that I have. I lose sight of all that is worthwhile in my life, what I live for, but also what I share with those who I love and whose love I have in return. Sometimes I feel defeated and doubt why I allow myself to struggler for the things I want. Why not chose something simple? A simple life, free of all the stress and anxiety and doubt and tears…

And you have your choices/and these are what make man great/his later to the stars

 

*Sigh*

I was ready to continue my life, just get on with my life. Now that I’m back, I feel like I’m at a stand still. I can’t seem to let go of what was. I came back to a place that is completely different. I didn’t even have a chance to prepare myself, the rug was just pulled from under me and I’m falling to the ground, anticipating the crash. I don’t know what to feel except sad, just…very sad…I’m slipping again.

 

Legitimate concern..or just overreacting..

What do you do when you’re boyfriend can’t say ‘No, I don’t still love my ex-girlfriend’, but instead saying ‘I don’t think I do’?

I’m panicked…I don’t want to be with someone who’s still in love with another person…I don’t want to compete…this whole ordeal makes me feel like I’m in competition for his love…Not to say that his ex is trying to get him back, but I mean being in competition, in the sense of me trying to convince him why he should only love me…I feel very uneasy and unbalanced…I don’t want to loose him…He makes me so happy, and I love him and being with him..but I can’t be with someone who thinking or wishing that they’re with someone else if the circumstances could allow…I don’t want him comparing us in his head, how she use to do something specific for him, something I don’t do..and for that reason, and a bunch of other reasons is why he’d prefer to be in a relationship with her instead of me..It’s making me feel inadequate..Did I miss something? Is there something I’m not doing that makes her superior in his eyes? Is there something wrong with me?

It would be so awesome if you could erase your relationship past before you enter a new one. That way there’s not baggage there’s nothing weighing you down, pulling you back.  No after thoughts. Just full speed ahead with whomever your with, no looking back.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting..reading too much into it. Should I be worried? Should my defenses go up? I don’t know..But my anxieties are acting up, so I’m getting a bit paranoid and I’m trying really hard to stay calm..I hate PTSD, it takes up so much energy for me just to remain calm.

 

Night terror

I haven’t had nightmares in months…it’s now been 2 nights in a row that I’ve had them…In the one I had on Tuesday, I just heard screaming, loud intense screaming. I kept waking up throughout the night, and falling back asleep hoping to dream of something else. Than I hear the scream..It was only this morning that I realised that the scream I was hearing was my scream from Monday when I was cornered…My second dream last night was disturbing..I don’t even think I can retell it because it’s that gruesome and I can’t even believe I dreamed it. It was a derivative of the November Incident.. After that I couldn’t go back to sleep.

I was so thrilled when the night terrors stop since my dreams were the last place that could be haunted. I stopped being scared to fall asleep, but now I feel panicked and feel the need to procrastinate going to sleep. *sigh* I really hope this passes soon, It’s been almost 7 months since I’ve enjoyed sleeping again.

 

An Actual Sick Day

I’m sick and have been in bed all day. I had a fever last night and I still had it when I woke up, so I let myself have a sick day. I haven’t had a sick day since I was in high school. I hate being sick. I like getting things done and I can’t do that when I’m sick, and stuck in bed all day. I feel so unproductive right now, I didn’t get any work done today.
But I will admit that its good to sleep all day…my bed is so comfy. And I do feel a lot better, my fever is gone. I also feel more rested. I have more energy. It’s kind of nice. I guess it feel weird for me because this is the first time in a long time that I’ve stayed in bed all day because I’m sick, not because I’m depressed. It feels nice. I’m actually smiling right now because I was in bed because I was sick, not because of being depressed. Like I want to go outside but I really shouldn’t because I don’t want to loose the progress I’ve made, not because I’m scared of leaving my room. I didn’t leave my  bed because I didn’t want to face the world, but because I actually needed the rest.
I feel good. I guess sick days aren’t so bad. But I feel especially good since it’s not because I’m depressed, it’s  because I’m actually in the need of getting over whatever cold I have. But I’m awake now so I guess I can do a bit of work or something else.  I might write another post, since I can. We’ll see.

 

Waiting for Relief

In my life, I’ve had long phases
Phases of anger
Phases of sadness
Phases of loneliness
I needed time for them to stay,
Time for them to pass.
While my mind was occupied,
I’m left waiting. Frozen,
Yet still waiting.
Waiting to go back.
Wasting time while waiting to go back,
Wishing I could turn the clocks.
I can’t go back, none of us can.
We wait both hopefully and hopelessly.
The paradox of waiting
Emptiness is all consuming.
It’s like quick sand,
Slowly pulling you down.
You’re too far down by the time you realise.
So wait. And wait.
You wait for a hope of going back, which isn’t coming.
But salvation does come, it does appear.
In sadness, you wait for happiness.
In a cage, you wait for freedom.
In a drought, you wait for rain.
The pain and exhaustion,
No matter how unbearable
You can get over it.
All you have to do is survive,
While you wait.
Just wait for the rain.
It must come.  It must.

 

Not good.

Not good Not good Not good

Definitely not good.

In my life, things that seem to good to be true, end up being just that, too good to be true. A lot of times I feel like I don’t deserve whatever good enters my life. At first I’m excited and happy for it, and then I realize how it can all be gone in a second and then it is. It disappears, slips through my fingers. Fear of loosing something, especially something good, something that you need and want, gets to be too much sometimes. Sometimes it just seems easier to have nothing. And in times like these, I tend to do what I do very well. I run. I want to run but I can feel myself resist that at all costs, because I don’t think I want to run. But part of me wants to. But only because it’s what I’ve always resorted too..

I need a reason, give me a reason. I have doubt within myself, it’s begging for a challenger, so challenge it. Challenge it!

This is so not good. I don’t need this right now, this are actually going well for once.

I hate this, I hate PTSD, why can’t I just be normal again, back to how I was. It makes me sad knowing that there’s no rewind.

I need to breathe because panicking isn’t working for me right now…

 

Waiting…

I’m waiting. Just sitting here waiting.. It’s the classic girl issue, to be waiting by the phone…

I keep checking my phone to make sure it’s charge and to make sure it’s on vibrate. Every time it goes off, my head immediately turns to with hope. And then like every girl on who’s ever waited by the phone, you’re hope is brought down by disappointment when you see that it wasn’t who you wanted it to be.

I hate waiting by the phone, it makes me feel slightly pathetic. But at the same I know I’m feeling this way because of my paranoia. I hate paranoia. It’s kicking in right now. I’m getting a headache and my jaw is hurting from clenching my teeth. I need to relax and try and minimize my paranoia which is making my anxieties flare up.

Just relax, relax.

Waiting isn’t so bad, there are worst situations where I could be waiting. Like, I shot and bleeding out and waiting for someone to notice. Or I could be waiting in a line that’s 6 hours long. I could be waiting 10 years to be released from prison.

There was worse forms of waiting, and this isn’t bad at all. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just waiting. Plus I’ve been doing other things, so it’s not like I’ve been staring at a wall or something. It could be much worse.

Ok, I’m feeling a bit better. But now I feel tired. Being paranoid and being anxious is very very exhausting. But I’ve been able to minimize it quite a bit since all I have to do now is talk my nerves down until they settle. Now they’ve settled, so i feel better now.

With post-traumatic you need a lot of patience. Patience and acceptance is key and the best way to be supportive.  I do my best to be patient with myself and to accept that this is where my life has taken me. Once I stop ignoring the problem and just face it, it becomes very simple to go back to a state of being calm. Alright, I need to sleep now. Night everyone.

 

Thawing out

Today I was thinking about everything that has happened over the past 2 years, which I do a lot. I feel it necessary for me to remain sane and happy, because then I have a continual open discussion with myself about everything. It makes it easier for me to deal and remain calm because I’m aware of my feelings and thoughts and I’m honest with myself about them, I’m not afraid to admit them. And I feel that being honest with myself about my problems is essential for me remaining in good emotional health.

Today we went to a family friend’s house for lunch, and we all had a lively discussion about the internet. After the November incident, I completely lost interest in everything, even anything intellectual, and so I usually would zone out whenever such a debate would be happening. Today was different. Today I not only listened but I added to the discussion on several occasions. I’m so happy that the things that I use to love, the past joys of my life have been returning to me. Slowly, but they are resurfacing once again.

I feel as thought my mind has been frozen for the past 2 years. All the knowledge and creativity that could have been gained and expressed weren’t, purely because I wasn’t able to. I was numb, a barrier was between me and the outside world and only recently, the past 8 months or so has the barrier began to disappear; the barrier has been continually melting, thawing out. I was thinking today about how long it has been since my mind has actually felt stimulated, or my heart or my soul. There been this entire renaissance that’s been exploding within me. I now find myself thirsty, and I hunger for more than what I’ve allowed into my life. I want more substance and I feel as though I’m ready to welcome it into my life. I feel so fortunate and so wonderful for being able to allow all these good things back into my life again, and have been doing all that I can to push out the negative. The negative things are just dead weight and I’ve grown tired from dragging them by my ankles. I remember feeling exhausted this time last year because of all the dead weight I’d been pulling behind me, yet I had refused to let it go. I couldn’t, I wasn’t ready.

I had felt nothing but pain and sadness and had no outlet for it, and thus just became numb. It was so overwhelming that I couldn’t channel it anywhere because I didn’t know what to do with it. I was just waiting and hoping and praying for the day when it would all disappear. But things don’t work like that. What kept me going was just convincing myself that one day something would happen and everything would just fall into place. It would be like the end of a movie, where all the loose ends are tied neatly and you’re left with a happy feeling because it’s implied that only good things happen from that moment on. But that isn’t true, not even close to the truth. And deep down I think I knew that, but I didn’t want to admit it because I preferred the illusion over the truth. The truth being that I’d have to deal with this every day for the rest of my life, and that bad things will still continue to happen later on in my life, and that too I’d have to deal with in strides. It was easier to just desperately hope that I’d be the rare case, the one in a million, who’s life would just effortlessly fall perfectly into place.

When I look back in old journals where I’d make my desperate plea for life to just begin to be perfect, for all the pain and sadness and anger to just disappear from my life, I see just how desperate I was to have a relief from what I was going through. It was so intense that I needed it lifted from me, because I did not feel that I was strong enough to do it. Sometimes I still don’t think I’m strong enough, but the days where I feel like that are slowly disappearing. They will soon become a thing of the past thinking in such a manner. It isn’t healthy to think that you can’t handle your life. It undermines your strength and abilities, and thus leaves you discouraged. Discouragement if not turned around can back you into a corner where you feel as though you have no where else to turn. Today when I was thinking about all this, I’ve finally begun to feel as though I’m moving away from being a victim.