Opinion – Romance Novels

So I figured I’d write something that is purely my opinion at this moment in time. I mean, I write a lot about what’s going on in my life and what I’m feeling (and I have my reasons for that) and I figured I’d write something that shared an opinion I have about a given topic. If I offend anyone, that is not my intent, but you can’t blame me for having an opinion.

I’ve pretty much lost all respect for modern romance novels. When I was young and naive, I started reading them in order to have a look through the window and see what awaited me in the world of romance. I remember how I’d get home from school and read at least 100 pages, completely engrossed in this world of perfect love. I would finish each book, ready to start the next, and also finding myself excited for when the love of my life will come into my world and sweep me off my feet. I can’t help but chuckle at how innocent and naive I was. Like any phase, it died and i moved on to other things.

From time to time, I’d pick up a historical romance and endulge in my guilty pleasure. this time more aware that real life doesn’t work like that and just enjoying the fantasy of it all. However, once I started reading classical romances, the likes of Jane Austen, I started to realise how poor these modern books were in comparison. The quality is unmatched and people don’t understand just how bad these books really are.

I started reading this one romance where these 2 business associates decided to have a child together but only to satisfy each others need to have a child without being married, and they each had their reasons for why they don’t want a relationship or commitment of any kind. I mean, the plot is completely predictable, but it started out well and was interesting, yet went downhill shortly after. I’m sorry, but falling so deeply and madly in love after the first time you sleep together? These two people weren’t friends, she just wanted his good genes; they knew nothing about each other. After the first day of spending time together, they are suddenly able to finish each others sentences and know what the other is thinking? I’m sorry, but that is not realistic, not even a slight exaggeration. And besides, what’s the moral of this story? Decide to bear some hot guy’s child with no strings attached, and he’ll fall madly in love with you are serious about carrying his child? The problem I have with this, is that young girls are reading this rubbish and probably don’t realise that this is not what real life and real relationships are like. A lot of the romances out there that are tailored to young girls are aren’t real love. It’s this pathetic excuse for claiming possession of someone, and calling it love.

Love should be written about in its true form. Is love always healthy? no, of course not. But don’t create an unhealthy relationship and bran it as healthy, as something ideal. It’s dishonest and when your demographic is young impressionable girls, it’s irresponsible.

And for the record, Edward Cullen is NO Mr Darcy. Nothing bothers me more than when people say that; they’ve clearly never read Pride and Prejudice. I find it very troublesome that girls are swooning over a pathetic whelp who goes on about how he doesn’t want to live or breathe if he’s not with Bella. That is not admirable, putting the dependency of your life on someone else. Love is about sacrifice, strength, respect, hope, loyalty and wanting to make someone else happy because that brings you joy. Not giving up your own life and being miserable because you can’t be around your ‘love’ 24/7. What does that prove?

As I read over what I’ve written, I feel as though I come across kind of jaded or as if I’m yelling and mad. I’m really not. It’s just that I feel like people don’t have the strength and patience needed to find real love. And I don’t think people even understand what it means anymore. At least the romances I read when I was a teenager, even though they were dramatized, portrayed strength and stoicism as something admirable and attractive, instead of possession, obsession and weakness being disguised as heroic and desirable.

 

Different guy, same problem

I should be happy, I should be a bit selfish, and I should be celebrating and having the time of my life. But I’m not. Because when I should be enjoying myself, I’m thinking about you and how I wish you’d be here with me, enjoying it with me. When I could be thinking about various subjects, I want to ask what’s on your mind. When I see something funny happen, I should just be enjoying the moment and saving that story from my friends, but all I want to do is call you up and tell you to make you laugh.

I hate break ups. Well, I mean I don’t know anyone that likes them. But even if I’m stating the obvious, whatever, I hate them. I find it worse when I’ve been dumped instead of choosing to leave. Don’t get me wrong, when you’re on either side there’s an amount of hurt that goes around to each person. I just find that when you’re left, it’s so much harder to gain closure and to go on with your life, because you’re forced into making an adjustment that you weren’t in anyway prepared to make. I mean, I feel like I can’t rely on anyone because they all just leave me. And as time goes on, the reasons and explanations are just less creative and more stupid or nonsensical. Where am I meeting these guys? Is this my relationship karma? I mean, did I do something so terrible that I’m forever to be punished with a string of guys that make me happy and treat me well and then randomly decide to dump me so casually and can’t even be bothered to come up with a good reason for ditching me?

I don’t know fellow reads, if you do exist. I don’t understand. Am I asking too much? Do I expect too much? Am I too narrow minded? I wish I knew. But I don’t because whenever I ask ‘what went wrong?’ I get the same reply: “Nothing went wrong, we had a good relationship.”…then what’s the problem? Grrr! It’s so frustrating!!! If I’m doing nothing wrong, then why do my relationships dissolve on the grounds of…nothing? My head hurts.

It’s times like this that make it difficult for me to be an optimist. Last year I learned to put the cynical side of me that made an appearance for a few years aside in the hopes that university would bring me something better than what I went through in high school. I didn’t exactly get a warm welcome with the whole PTSD and the insomnia and anxiety issues and all that fun stuff. Even in high school I was still incredibly optimistic even though I was bullied and made fun of for most of my life. Having my hopes smashed and destroyed, it was difficult to be optimistic because I put my hopes into to something that only brought me to a darker place. Last year I realized that I need to be optimistic, that that’s just the way I am. Those few years in my dark place I was denying myself of being optimistic because I thought to myself that that way of thinking only screwed me over. But in reality, it didn’t. What’s wrong with hoping? Ok, so where we put our hope and our faith doesn’t always pan out or work in our favour, but even if you’re cynical things won’t always workout in your favour, and you’re just more bitter and more cynical when you were ‘right’. But because my understanding of the world and people and things were completely changed so unexpectedly once I got what I wanted, I haven’t completely regained trust in optimism, but only when things go wrong. But by this point I know myself well enough to know that optimism is what works for me. But with all that said, what is with my relationship karma? I should probably not date for a while.

 

 

 

Disbelief..

If there is one thing that I hate about movies or TV shows, is that they give us a sense of false hope. Thinking that whomever has wronged you will be fairly kicked in the ass by karma or at least show any shred of human decency towards you. However what hurts even more is having them bitterly defend what they’ve done and acting as though theres no need to fret, being completely indifferent. People like that disgust me. No acknowledgement for the pain their putting you through, no remorse. Lack of anything redeemable.  Its just, ‘yeah I see that you got hurt..what are you looking at me for? I don’t need to apologize because I can’t have how I feel held against me’ however your ACTIONS can be held against you, and I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve it, why don’t you see that? I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t.

 

Baring it all proves to have benefits

I think of my favourite things in this world is when people surprise you, when they pull through even when you have a suspicion that they might let you down. I’ve always been an optimistic person, and I’ve done my best to believe in the greater good of people. Yet, even with that, said, I’ve been so disappointed in a lot of people, and how they’ve been able to so carelessly, and so easily let me down, as if it was nothing. Like, I was nothing. So yes, I have trust issues, and I hate feeling vulnerable and avoid it at all cost because it’s easier for me that way. That way, if my relation with that person gets messed up, then I’m not left like some helpless person just taking the beating, but I got to have a say in how it ended.

Now, in a relationship, an intimate relationship, it gets a bit trickier, since feelings run deeper and they become intertwined with another person’s emotions. It makes me feel all the more vulnerable, since I have so much more invested in this. I’ve taking more time to nurture the relationship, but also to make sure that I don’t lose myself in the relationship. That’s one thing that most women do, is that they begin to lose themselves and then months or years later, they have no idea who they are anymore, their whole life becomes about that person. I don’t want that, I don’t want to lose myself, so I make sure to make time for me so that I can keep my identity.

So, pretty much, I’ve done my best to not repeat mistakes I’ve made in past relationships since sometimes I can go overboard when trying to avoid being vulnerable. So why is this relevant and what does it have to do with people surprising you?

Well, I’mma tell ya.

These past few weeks, I’ve been feeling uneasy, just having a feeling that something was off, so I asked him about it, very calmly and in a non accusatory way, and he told me what was bothering me. And so from what I gathered was that he was scared and so he was pulling away from me, which was making me worry, because I don’t want him to pull away. So we talked today on the phone, and so I was like, screw it, I’m just going to bare it all. So I did, I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable, tell him everything I was feeling and telling him just how much he meant to me, and how much I appreciated him and what he does for me, and how he makes me very happy. The whole time I was talking, I was holding tears back because I realise just how vulnerable a position I was putting myself in. I’ve sorta done that before, telling those things to him, but I don’t know if I’ve said it enough. I’ve always wanted to wait for the guy to do that, but in all honesty, that’s what they do in movies and books and so you think that if you’re important enough to them, then they’ll do that for you too. But let’s face it, most guys aren’t big on spilling out their emotions. So as much as I’ve love the big romantic gesture that I see in the movies, I don’t expect it and thus try to keep it in the fantasy world, and try to bring my head out of the clouds and just wait for the standard guy ways of showing they care.

So today I’ve been waiting. Well, that’s not all I’ve been doing. I got my wisdom teeth out so I’ve been sleeping, being in pain, eating mashed foods and icing my face. But part of me has been waiting, waiting for him to reach back, even in the slightest. Waiting to see if I’ve done enough to let him know that he needs to reach back to me, I need him to reach back to me. I need him to trust me, and have faith in us and not to pull away, to ignore that instinct that tells us all to pull back so that we don’t get hurt. Because in reality, pulling back is hurtful, and it’s actually the opposite of what needs to happen when you feel scared. I need him to trust me to support him when he’s scared or worried or anxious. I’m here for him and I need him to have faith in me. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a whole lot of crazy sometimes, and that I can be a handful when I get like that. So it takes a lot to scare me away and it takes a lot for me to feel like I can’t do anymore or that I can’t try anything else. So I waited to see if what I said worked. And today he reached out in the smallest way, I don’t even think he noticed how significant it was. So I’m so proud of him for reaching back to me even in the slightest, and I really hope that he continues to do that and that it only gets stronger and easier for him to reach out to me even when he’s scared. I don’t give up that easily and I hate when people give up too easily.

So I’ve rambled quite a bit, but I really needed to. I needed to talk about my vulnerability because it’s there and I can be vulnerable and at times I need to be vulnerable. And as much as I hate the knots I get in my stomach when I’m put in a vulnerable state, and how when I worry or get anxious I have to pee every 5 minutes, I still can do it. I can be vulnerable and survive and it can help make things better. Trust goes both ways. I need him to trust me, and he needs me to trust him back. So I need to be vulnerable, and I really hope he appreciates how difficult this is for me, and allows himself to be vulnerable for me too, even if its difficult for him. But I feel it’s worth it, because in the end, he makes me happy. He makes me happy, so it’s worth it.

 

I am so mad right now, you don’t want to mess with me

WHAT THE F****!!!!

I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW!! LIKE SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY?!

WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO?!?!?!

I’m am so mad, and I’m so tired of this!

It’s not suppose to be this hard! Why are you  making it so difficult?!

I’m so mad, I can barely think straight, which is why I’m going to end it here, because what I wanted to write, I now can’t write it because I’m too worked up right now.

 

Please, turn on the sensitivity to ‘medium-low’ setting

What is it with guys and sensitivity? In my experience, most of them don’t know how to be, and so don’t show any when it’s necessary, and then you have those on the opposite extreme who are way too sensitive, and it just gets irritating. There seems to be few men out there who know when to show a little sensitivity. I mean, it isn’t rocket science. I don’t understand what’s so hard about it. Yeah, I get that it’s still ingrained in people’s heads that a real man isn’t suppose to show emotion or anything because it’s too ‘feminine’ but come on! It’s 2010! We’re supposed to have evolved past that! If a man can wear a pink shirt and not be called a fruit, men should be able to show a bit of sensitivity! I mean, most girls aren’t asking for the super mushy oversensitive crap, but just ‘how are you feeling about this?’ or ‘do you want to talk about it/ vent about it?’ or ‘everything will be ok, try not to worry so much’. Are those questions/phrases too hard to say at the appropriate time?!?! Seriously?!?!?!

To have those things said to you by someone you care about  is sometimes all you need in order to feel a bit better. Knowing that someone cares enough to ask, and show a bit of sensitivity, a slight interest in whatever turmoil or just bad day you’re going through. It really isn’t that difficult and it really goes a long way, trust me.

 

I’m half — and that doesn’t make me any less of a whole person

I’m a mix. My mother is Greek and my dad is Bajan. In ‘racial’ terms, I’m half black, half white. Ever since the day I realised that I was mixed, I’ve struggle with identity, both how I see myself and how others see me. There were times, where I wished I was completely white, and times when I wished I was completely black. There has been so much confusion about  my identity, and where I belong in this world. I’ve  been called a sell out by some black people who say I speak like a white person. I’ve been characterized as a black person by some white people purely because my skin is darker than theirs, yet they were confused. Confused, because I didn’t act like the black people on TV; my grammar was proper, my clothes weren’t cheap or gangster and I wasn’t loud and obnoxious. It’s difficult when you’re ‘split in half’ and especially seeing how I’m part of two racial groups who have been messing with each other for hundreds of years. Which side do I belong to? At times I feel more white and other times I feel more black. But what does that mean? On YouTube, some guy was saying that to be black is based on how much black blood you have. It has to be a percentage over 50%, since majority of blacks have about 9%-17% of white blood.

I’m both, and I don’t say that in an ‘I have the best of both worlds way’. I say that in an, I’m part white and part black. But that doesn’t determine who I am, and I strongly dislike when people claim that I’m part of a group or not part of a group just because of my skin tone.

The Greeks always believed that you’re Greek not because your parents are Greek or you’re born in Greece, but because you know the language, the culture, the history, and the geography. This is what I believe.

 

To that which haunts my mind..

Please finally leave me alone. And if you feel the need to haunt me, please don’t interfere when I’m happy. I’m happy now and it’s really not the best time for you to bother me. Just let me live my life.

 

Legitimate concern..or just overreacting..

What do you do when you’re boyfriend can’t say ‘No, I don’t still love my ex-girlfriend’, but instead saying ‘I don’t think I do’?

I’m panicked…I don’t want to be with someone who’s still in love with another person…I don’t want to compete…this whole ordeal makes me feel like I’m in competition for his love…Not to say that his ex is trying to get him back, but I mean being in competition, in the sense of me trying to convince him why he should only love me…I feel very uneasy and unbalanced…I don’t want to loose him…He makes me so happy, and I love him and being with him..but I can’t be with someone who thinking or wishing that they’re with someone else if the circumstances could allow…I don’t want him comparing us in his head, how she use to do something specific for him, something I don’t do..and for that reason, and a bunch of other reasons is why he’d prefer to be in a relationship with her instead of me..It’s making me feel inadequate..Did I miss something? Is there something I’m not doing that makes her superior in his eyes? Is there something wrong with me?

It would be so awesome if you could erase your relationship past before you enter a new one. That way there’s not baggage there’s nothing weighing you down, pulling you back.  No after thoughts. Just full speed ahead with whomever your with, no looking back.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting..reading too much into it. Should I be worried? Should my defenses go up? I don’t know..But my anxieties are acting up, so I’m getting a bit paranoid and I’m trying really hard to stay calm..I hate PTSD, it takes up so much energy for me just to remain calm.

 

You know you do..

You know you miss me. You never thought that I’d move on and you thought contacting me every possible way – texts, msn messages, email, would suddenly rekindle what we had? You’re too late, and you’re pathetic for even assuming I would’ve waited around especially after what you did. Telling me you still love me and want me back? Please, that’s not going to work. And you know that I’m with someone else, so why are you being so persistent? Have you no honour? Clearly not.  I honestly can’t believe some people. It’s one thing if you don’t pick up on hints, but when I bluntly tell you that I’m taken and then continue to persist? Stop asking me to be your girlfriend just because you can’t find anyone else. I’m taken, leave me alone!